Love is All I am

Dear Joan,

This sums it up pretty well.

Dawes "Love is All I am" from THE FEAR on Vimeo.

Nights

Dear John,

Nights are the hardest. It's when I think about you the most, even after all this time. 

Even after all this time, I still love you. I know when I see you again, it will feel the same.

The same energy. The same intensity. The same inexplicable, irrevocable longing. 

Comfort is easy to find in others, but it's the metaphysical sense I feel with you that is so beyond my ability to even form these sentences. No words can begin to capture the thing that happens when we are in the same room together. I can't replace that, God knows I've tried.

So tonight I toast this glass of wine to you and think fondly on all those insoluble moments.

Gorecki

If I should die this very moment

I wouldn't fear
for I've never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
oh it might burst

could we stay right here
till the end of time until the earth stops turning
wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

all this time I've loved you
and never known your face
all this time I've missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here
till the end of time
till the earth stops turning
gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

all I've known
all I've done
all I've felt was leading to this

the one I've waited for

Video message

Dear John,

Solidão A parte 2

Querido  João,

 

Saiba que fico com os olhos cheios de lagrimas ao ler isto que vc acabou de escrever ... como vc mesmo disse nao te bloqueie atoa e sim para ver se realmente te quero aqui comigo e cada vez mais vc nos mostra que o caminho é nos together!!! Ficou tudo embassado .... as letras parecem todas 2 em 1 .... mas nao fique ai achando que nao te quero mais pq isso nao é verdade .... vc tem um lugarzinho muitp especial aqui dentro de mim e esta guardado para nos vc sabe disto!!! Entao continue com seus planos de juntar se dinheirinho e tratar de vir me ver ... that's the way I want!!! Ai veremos se temos algo together or no!!! Só tentando se teremos como dizer isto .... Am I right??? A melhor combinação é eu e vc together ... do not forget that!!! I'm still in love with YOU!!!  Never forget that!!!

Bjos tenho que dormiir!!!

Vc é demais!!!

Night night ....

Solidão

Querido  João,

Sei q nao eh para te escrever, mais estou com saudades. Andei pensando muito este fds... Adorei ter falado com vc Sabado, mas sua voz estava tao cansadinha... Tenho entrado no seu blog, e fico cada dia mais feliz, vc me parece estar muito bem, gosto de te ver cheio de amigos a sua volta, trabalhando, casa nova, esta tudo indo tao bem!!!! To muito feliz por vc, sabia q ia da tudo certo, e ja esta dando. Vc eh PHoda mesmo! Mas isto eu sempre soube.

Aqui as coisas tb estao indo bem, estou muito feliz, estao encaminhando do jeito q eu queria. Mas sinto sua falta demais! Penso em vc todos os dias. Como ja disse, andei pensando muito este fds, e hj quando vi as suas fotos, me bateu uma tristeza. Esta experiencia eh sua, e de mais ninguem. Eh algo q vc tem q fazer sozinho. Vc vai passar por muito ainda, vai conhecer muita coisa, muitos lugares, e muitas pessoas. Vc nao me bloqueou por acaso, vc tem q se desligar daqui. Nao sei se sua familia esta bloqueada, mas duvido muito, e acho q vc fez a coisa certa. Eh muito dificil viver com o coracao em dois lugares. Vamos falar a verdade, foi otimo nosso tempo junto, para mim foi maravilhoso, mas eh como vc disse, vamos nos distanciar, e vc ja esta botando isto em andamento. Te entendo, nao tenho raiva nemhuma. Mas nao posso viver uma ilusao, vc nao me quer ai, tb entendo, e as vezes os sentimentos nao sao reciprocos, e isto nao eh culpa de ninguem. Te amo demais. Adoro toda sua familia. Vcs sempre terao um lugar no meu coracao. I want nothing but the best for you! Se precisar de qualquer coisa, saiba q sempre estarei aqui. Acho q estou falando o q vc quis me contar mas nao teve a coragem, nao quis me magoar, como vc mesmo disse suas intencoes foram sempre boas. Esta tudo bem. Estou com um vazio no coracao, mas isto esta aqui desde o dia q vc terminou comigo. I'll get used to it. Te amo demais. Nao se esqueca disto nunca! Some nao!

A Partida

Querido, João

Sua ida esta me causando muita ansiedade, querendo ou nao, vou sentir sua falta, e estou para ficar menstruada, tudo isto gera meus surtos. Mas estou me cuidando, tomo meus remedios, e estou aprendendo cada dia mais, a controlar. Vc sempre soube. 

Tudo que vc falou comigo, me magoou, vc pegou no meus pontos fracos, mas sei que depois do que fiz, merecia. 

 Vou sofrer com sua partida, nao vou morrer, a vida vai continuar. Vamos seguir nossos caminhos, espero com muito sucesso e felicidade! Mas tb sei o que e sentir saudade, sinto todos os dias da minha familia toda, dos meus amigos de la, e logo de vc tb. 

Estou aqui em primeiro lugar, para me cuidar. ja melhorei muito, vc nao me conhecia antes, mas ainda tenho um longo caminho pela frente. Vou chegar la!

Vc e uma pessoa que me inspira, tento sempre seguir todos os seus conselhos. Nao tenho agido da forma correta, mas sei onde errei, e estou disposta a mudar meu comportamento. Tenho muitas qualidades, sou forte, tenho um bom coracao, carinhosa, honesta, inteligente, e fiel. Mas como todo ser humano, tenho meus defeitos, sou insegura, medrosa, e as vezes ate infantil, mas nao sou ruim. 

Vc esta com a cabeca a mil, tendo milhoes de pepinos para resolver, pessoas para se despedir, e preparacoes mentais para sua nova vida. Nao sobra muito tempo para mim. Tenho que aceitar este fato. Esta e sua ultima semana, e o stress

 deve estar acumulado. Nao queria ter te causado mais. Infelizmente, nao podemos apagar o passado, mas temos sempre a esperanca de um futuro melhor. Gostaria de te acompanhar e se puder, ate te ajudar neste seus ultimos dias, apesar de vc ser completamente independente, como sabemos, uma amiga a mais nao faz mal a ninguem. Vc pediu um espaco, e vou respeitar, mas saiba que sempre estarei aqui se precisar de qualquer coisa. 

Te adoro demais.

Too much information

Dear John,

You make me feel beautiful. Thank you.

Response

Dear John,

I'm so much happier without you. You told me that I'd never find someone who loves me as much as you do, and honestly, I don't care if that's even true (by the way, it's not) Your love, your feelings, your desires were not enough to make me stay. I am sorry I had the inability to only meet you half way there. I deserve to be happy too, and I just didn't love you enough.

And I still really resent the fact that you tried to bring me down to make yourself feel better. However, I am not sorry that you couldn't bring me down and that you didn't break me. You only made me stronger. Yet you put me through a living hell and for that I will only ever partially forgive you. 

Sometimes, I think about how my life would be right now if I had not broken up with you, and I shudder at the thought of what that would look like. I know that's pretty brutal, but it's the honest truth.

Final Resolution

Dear Joan,

One person is never going to be able fulfill every need or aspect in your life. That's why you have friends and/or family to fulfill those lacking areas in your life. You cannot expect one person to fulfill EVERY aspect or need that you have! If you do end up finding someone that fulfills your intellectual challenging aspect of your life... I'm sure that you will just find out that that person is pretentious, and will be eager to leave you at any moment for someone else that he seems fit.

Honestly, it just seems like you are trying to find any excuse to not be with me... You don't want to have to deal with being in a relationship because you think that it will just be a distraction from your main objectives/goals. Not to mention you probably feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so to speak, and that there is a whole WORLD of new opportunities. I also feel that you lack the "new fresh feelings" that you once possessed towards the beginning of our relationship, and that there is now an empty gap that has replaced those feelings. But honestly that is just what happens in any relationship! In a good relationship the beginning is so exciting and unbelievable, and eventually those feelings fade away because you slowly get used to them, and then you are left empty urning for something else to replace those feelings.

I am not prepared to settle with anyone...who only meets me half way there. 

Smackdown of lust

Dear Joan,

It's been tough coming to grips with the way I feel about you. Your dimples. Your smile. The way your eyes sparkle like god left them in the rock tumbler a little too long. Your dancing around madly every time anything goes even slightly your way like... like.... your 13 year old self is still inside and the cute Jonas brother is smiling in your direction. Actually... that's how you make me feel. You make me smile. Your soft skin makes my entire body buzz when I touch it. Your raven curls, your carefully constructed tattoos. It all just leaves me doused in teenage cliches.

I can't keep the wool pulled any longer, though. I'm tried of hearing about last nights VH1 reality shows. I'm tired of being in constant fear of what happens if there's a silence in the action laid out before us. We can't maintain this. It can't last. I can't pretend any longer to be interested in you just to be seen with you.... to see and touch you.

There's just not enough in your head to keep me engaged. I'm sorry. I've got to run away before you... me... us... start calling it love out of guilt. You'll find a much better match next time. I'll find someone that appreciates my obscure jokes and academic masturbations.

I just wish you weren't so god-damned amazing to look at.

We

Dear, dearer, dearest John, 

you have succeeded in transforming yours truly (because truly, I am yours) from a "me" to a "we". And I will put down my groceries to kiss you in my garage. And I will let you rearrange the pillows to your liking. And I will let you take the rest of the enchiladas for lunch. And you will dance to my silly songs. And you will feed me sliced kiwis with the skin still on. And you will always go with me to take out the garbage. And we will smile in our sleep. And we will never see the end of a movie. And we will cause a visceral reaction in others in regards to our "we".

I have been falling in love with you since the first time I witnessed your pupil threaten to swallow the blue iris of your eye.