Me vs. You (and myself)

Dear Johns,

Over the years, I have left a remarkable trail of tears in my wake. It's not like I did that, this, intentionally. I never meant to hurt you, and at times, to allow you to hurt me. The truth is-I'm a sucker for love, and it seems to happen to me repeatedly. My excuse: I embark in all of these relationships because I learn a little bit from every individual that I involve myself with. Although it didn't start out that way. But the truth is: the only thing that I've gotten out of these...things, these creations of my mind, little fantasies really, is self-destruction and more anxiety. I tricked myself into thinking that all of these experiences would each enlighten me and take me to a new level of self-experience so I wouldn't feel to horrible about my track record of wrecking and ruining. Instead, I feel blase and worn-out. I really did try to work things out with every single one of you. I tried to make something of what we had, but I guess it just wasn't ever enough. I'm so extremely tired of this. All I ever wanted was that one person that could light up my life. I thought that I would just know who that person was when I was with them but I was wrong. Thank you modern media for corrupting my little girl years with promises of happy endings.

Take That

dear john and jane

I hope you're very happy together. Facebook confirms you two have got what I once set out to get, and now I've lost not only the first romantic interest since my heart broke from another but one of my best friends who I looked on like a sister. You cut me out your lives, but just remember I introduced you two....... something I'll regret forever.

P.S. I fucked him first

Blackgang Chine

Dear John,

I hate Facebook and the fact that I cannot delete your sister as my friend because she's so sweet and that'd be rude of me. Plus, she's pregnant, and you can't delete a pregnant lady!

I hate that I have to see your new girlfriend post on your sister's page about hanging out with your family. Oh great, she flew in from LA too. Good for you. You're taking her to all our old spots. Hope you have the time of your life. Not.

I hate that your new girlfriend is my doppleganger. We look exactly alike, people have said it for years.... before you knew either of us actually. Only she's in a band and probably cooler.

Barf, barf, barf.

Love of My Life

Dear The Love of my Life,

By all accounts, you're the love of my life. Leaving you three years ago was the most difficult and best decision in my life.

You were an absolute addiction. Like a drug, if I even got one whiff of your presence whether seeing you flash of your presence online, a passing email, it's like I suffer a relapse and I'm spending days struggling.

I miss when you use to say "Hey baby", in your husky sexy voice that I knew your complete attention was on me. I miss those kisses you use to give me on my neck that would send shutters all over my body. There was a time where it just didn't feel right unless I was sleeping next to you in your bed.

I miss the moments when it felt like we were in a movie. Once I was in my raggidy PJ's, you were typing away on the computer. And a song came on the radio and we were in your messy room. And for one slow song, you picked me up and slow danced with me for the entire song. Just out of nowhere.

You just couldn't get enough of my body. Sometimes, you couldn't wait to get my clothes off just so you could lick my cunt. It was such a privilege to be your partner.

And you're hot. You had the type of body that was shapely and would make girls wet in their pants. I hope you realise that.

Movie moment #2. I had made a decision to move to a new country for my career. You had arranged to leave with me at the airport. We were late, rushing to catch the plane before it would separate us, and you picked me up and kissed me in the most passionate kiss that people in the room couldn't help but stop and stare. There were no words, just a hush that came through the airport waiting room as people saw two lovers say goodbye.

What you may be struggling to understand, was that despite being madly and deeply in love with you, there was a huge unhappiness over my heart. Despite being my knight in shining armour, you literally were a knight in shining armour. You were trying to save me, and I didn't need saving. You looked for ways to save me, and in some sense, you relished in finding ways I needed saving.

I have dreams that I want to accomplish. I tried to take you with me. But you couldn't because either you thought I couldn't do it, or you weren't organised. You didn't understand that I'm a political person, and I wanted to run my life based on those politics. You in turn didn't understand the politics and at best only copied me because you knew it would make me happy. I had wanted to make life as an adventure, but you didn't even understand the adventure itself.

Because you were so busy saving me, you didn't realise that you were the one who needed saving. You became really insecure about your frailties. I would offer help but you didn't want to share that part of yourself. You were holding the knight in shinining armour paradigm so tightly, you didn't realise the metal was what was causing you to sink.

My last complaint, now that it's been three years of getting over you. Three years of learning that I don't need a knight. You keep coming back in between your new damsels in distress. And the relapses come back despite the new foundations that I have built from your absence.

I am now investing my energies elsewhere. If I keep telling myself I will find a new Love of my Life, hopefully one day I will believe it.

Leave me alone, old Love of my Life. I wish you were cruel. The best thing you can do for me now is to ignore me. I don't want to see you again until I'm an old woman.