I still read your horoscope every morning, along with mine. I still check your Facebook, looking to find what you've been up to. I watch you go on and offline, hoping you'll talk to me… sometimes you do. Sometimes I'm left wondering who you're talking to instead.
I'm aware of all the girls you've been with since you and I were together, I've been around them a few times when we've hung out. I'll introduce myself politely and even at times engage in conversations with them because I know to be mature and I admit to being well-raised. It baffles me though what you see in them, they come out as being ignorant to everything but themselves. They are socially awkward, oblivious and selfish in ways I can't even depict. They all look exactly the same, completely different in every way from me. I'm left wondering what made you pursue me in the first place, I definitely wouldn't consider myself your type after meeting these bobble heads you date. I'm almost embarrassed to be amongst these class-less Jane's.
We still talk, we're friends, we go out once in a while. I insist my feelings for you have changed, I tell myself that everyday. Deep down though it frustrates me, being around you but not with you. Seeing you smiling in pictures I'm not in… watching you move on when I'm still just as hung up on you as ever.
The thing is, John, I have this hope, that one day things will change… and you'll wake up and realize you want me back. What gives me this hope though, is the way we are now. You've insisted on this friendship, and it bewilders me. I've stopped talking to you before, we've had numerous arguments where I tell you I'm not ready to be friends… time goes by and you'll message me, or text me, or instant message me out of the blue. You'll say something completely random, that has nothing to do with us. You know exactly how to get a reply from me. How to make me feel pathetic if I don't respond.
You don't want to be with me, yet you keep me around. Like a plan B, a safety net… an assurance that you'll always have someone if ever in need. I'm that someone you feel you can someday love again, that someone you know you should someday love again because we're both aware I was good to you, but your feelings are gone and neither I nor you can make them come back.
Maybe the timing is just wrong, or maybe you want to be sure there's nothing else out there better or greater before ever considering me again. Gosh, I feel like a tool saying this. I'm a professional at making you seem like the greatest douche bag of all. It's not hard… what you're doing, even though you're not aware, is indeed very unfair. It's in your nature though, and I've seen a better side of you, the one i know is around when you're truly involved with someone you care about. That's the side of you I crave… it's what lingers.
It was obvious my mistake was being too good. I was always there, I never played games, I gave you everything and more… your friends even enjoyed my company, do till this day, actually. Your family approved, even your siblings who had never enjoyed prior Jane's admitted to liking me. Even once we were done, and in bad terms, I've been in their company. You still talk about me with them, with your family. You tell me how fond of me they are. It's quite fucked up to be frank this little relationship we have going on.
Anyways, John...
I want you to know, that to the contrary of what you may think, I will move on one day. I'll find another John, one that will appreciate all my qualities and realize I'm not just a toy that can be played with whenever he feels like it or craves attention. I want you to know that you will want me back when this happens, and that you wont be able to have me back. I look forward to the day when you see me smiling on my pictures, and wish you were by my side. The day when you're the one wondering what I've been up to, looking for clues on my Facebook. I assure you, I'm more certain than ever that it will happen, and so I dedicate "Ain't It Funny (the remix) by J.Lo," to you on that day. Haha, enjoy it.
Xo,
Jane
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