Other lover

Dear John

I thought I should explain my little outburst earlier really. Firstly, of course I care about you - I care about you too damn much and no matter how hard I try I can't make it go away. I am sick so I might as well be honest.

I have tried so so hard to keep you in my life but the truth is, I'm not over you, which is mildly ridiculous because I was never under you.

This is quite hard to write.

I have tried with her, trust me. I have no ill wish for her, it's just everytime I hear from her or see her post something about you it's like another little stab, another little hurt, another little confidence knock. It truly makes me feel sick. I am not trying to be with you, I wouldn't want (or have the chance) to steal you away, I just quite simply can't see it anymore.

Been lying here trying to work stuff out in my head. It's not about what you look like or what your chosen career is. It's all about you. The way you are. I look at you and I see someone so beautiful yet conflicted by self doubt. Sometimes when I have looked into your eyes, I've just want to tell you everything is going to be ok. The way you make me feel is hard to explain. But to explain as best I can, you are always on my mind, the first thing I think about when I wake up. The person who I want to share my day things with and the dream that helps me sleep at night, the one that keeps away the nightmares.

When you got back with her I said I would always be your friend. I would be mature and accept it. I have accepted it. I've just found it confusing. I have found myself wishing I lived nearer to you - so you could see me more, get to know me more. I feel like you didn't take the chance to know me, the time we spent together always had a limit. I know I'm not the prettiest girl but it is still hard to have someone choose someone else, quite blatently over you. And you didn't tell me for so long. I feel so stupid about it, she has told me so much about how you got together and I feel stupid because when I was still thinking that maybe you and I could be something, you were already with her. I know it's stupid, but I just feel like all those nice times we had together, well, it was just all me - all me thinking it. I feel stupid and not good enough.

This isn't irrational emotion. This is honest, you are all I have ever desired in a man. You don't crowd me, you let me breath. You are capable of dreaming and have the ambition and drive of everyone I have ever admired. You give me butterflies.

I can't bear you touching me because I feel like you'll feel my imperfections. I can't bear you touching me because I feel like you'll feel my heart beat.

This is me rescuing myself now. I can't open my heart. I desperately don't want to let you go but I have no choice left. I can't look at anyone else, yet you are in love. You a building a life and a home with someone whilst I can't even bring myself to drag myself out on a date.

Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed! I have terrible luck but I like to think I am a good person. Maybe one day, if I get through all of this right now, my luck will change with men. Maybe I'll get lucky.

So this is me signing off. I have hopefully helped you see how much I believe in you, my praise for you is true. When I say things to you I don't pad it out with fluff, I see you and I mean everyword.

I guess I'll see you in my dreams. I am so pleased I met you, you helped me feel emotion again.

Utah Cowboy

Dear John,

I really did not know what to do when you starting crying. Right there in the middle of the club at 4am, your beard catching the tragic tears streaming down your cheeks. I am pretty sure that laughing wasn't the appropriate response though.

5 years is long time, things can get weird.

Sorry, John.

love long distance

dear john(s),

i feel like i exist very seperately from you. i am on my plane and you are on your's. we wave; perhaps we intersect at points, but generally, we're nowhere near each other. i spend time in the car, imagining what you think about, what you might wear to bed, how you comfort yourself when life feels overwhelming. i'm really interested but don't expect to have the answers any time soon.
i rode my bike in the rain, i called my friends. i took a bath and ate soy ice cream. i got to know some neighbors in the hall. i bought a hammer from the hardware store and put it under the sink. i do all these things in a tiny, private world. i do everything there. it's hard to remember the time when i was as connected as i was to my last john. it's hard to map out how that life happened.
maybe someday i'll hurry home to find a friend in bed. we'll be playing with our cat and watering our plants. maybe i'll bring up the paper from the coffee shop to share. maybe i'll pour two glasses of wine in the evening and watch movies on the tv and half groceries with a not so strange stranger.
until then, i'm very fine over here. i fumble and bumble around my house. i have late nights with friends and we smoke pot and order pizza. i walk home alone and comment to no one in particular about the big, dark sky.

love,
jane

High Top

Dear John,

I'm waiting for you to arrive at my house right now.

Can I be honest? You're too young for me. You're very nice, so sweet and caring. Not that I'm old or anything, but you're just 22. A young pup really. When I think about my priorities when I was 22, it makes me feel silly.

If I can be even more honest... you're just really pretty to look at, and you have a big penis. Those things are quite appealing when you're not looking for much more. I don't think it's going to work out, I'm afraid. But in the meantime, you're a lot of fun.

Life Project

Dear Jonny,

I hope when you look down and see the feather you think of me.

Fondly yet with a slight pang of regret.

In some small way that feather represents our time.

I know whenever I see two magpies, I'll always smile for you.

I often think of your skin when there's a soft salmon-coloured sunset.

I'm not sad, I just like those humble memories.

I think it's because history is so elucidating.

Without it, we would lose each other in vast spaces.