dear john,
i didn't want to break up with you and i thought i made that very clear. i wasn't even considering it until you stopped responding to my messages, which contained threats. when someone is very far away, when someone is surrounded by mountains and rivers, when someone has big hills of learning around them, when someone is you and i want to hear and feel you, well, sometimes i go a mite crazy.
i considered how the word neglect would feel in my mouth. i saw how deeply i was being neglected and i let you in on that thought by sharply pointing out how nothing is ever enough - not ever. it really isn't. i will always believe that you'll leave. i will always assume that you have ulterior motives. i will always guess about the other girls you're interested in and these ideas will displease me and maybe ruin any fun for awhile. i thought you knew it was your job to convince me otherwise or at least keep me occupied enough, keep all my tiny, dark demons at bay. instead, you left me. you gave me all the room and space to freak out. you hardly responded when i said, "i can't believe you're doing this to us." for that, i feel very hurt by you. no matter how many words you have to share on your blistering brain, i do not understand that kind of backing-off after so many shared secrets and moments and aches and dreams. you would leave me for days to just wonder what i'd done.
so, it happened, like falling into a pit. i plopped a heavy suggestion into your lap and you didn't seem to disagree, not as much as i needed you to. you said, "ok." you said, "i don't want you to suffer," and accepted the new situation like a season change, like the death of a pet. you cried and it was part of the weird life that has befallen you, but i didn't want that. i wanted you to say, "no way, stranger." i wanted you to say, "how could you? i won't allow this." i wanted you to express to me that we had far too many plans, that we were much too much in love, that you would do anything. i know this makes me underhanded; i know this is all slightly off.
then, you called me war-like but i was actually a zombie. i didn't leave my bed all day. i didn't brush my teeth. it was halloween and i didn't go anywhere but deep into my sheets to sob and have headaches and whimpering. i didn't want to break up, you see. i missed it somehow because in all actuality, my feelings for you were as strong as ever and even more raw. there we were holding hands in the woods. there we were smoking on a balcony. there we were eating granola bars in the car, talking about things we didn't really understand. there we were in bed and you were all around me. there we were crying at the train station. there we were on the sidewalk when i apologized for hanging on you and you said you really didn't mind and i felt some flowers bloom inside me. maybe i apologized again later, just to hear you repeat yourself.
now we've decided to "try," because it's "better." i do believe it's better to try. we talk and we communicate and you're trying very hard to be regular and i want to thank you but it wouldn't be like flowers blooming, so i don't. it's very sad that i ruined everything, that i made our condition a sham. it's very sad that i'm so prone to losing touch with my rational mind and lashing out and it's very sad that you're so gentle with me and easy to lose among mean and mixed messages.
i didn't want to break up. i love you more than ever,
me
